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Writer's pictureBec Lanham

Unconditional Love is Hard

On Father’s Day this year, I woke up thinking about how God fits in with Father’s Day. I began to think about parenting and the different ways we express our love as parents.


Do we each have an innate sense of how to love? Or can we only learn to love others through what has been modelled in our lives? Loving is hard, and without someone to tell us, or show us what it looks like, it can be even harder. Becoming a parent doesn't give any of us a guaranteed ability to love.


No wonder unconditional love is so hard.

I’ve always had this thing about how people who have not had a great relationship with their parents might struggle to relate to God’s love for them. We celebrate the great things our parents have done for us on either Father’s Day or Mother’s Day, but what if you have no frame of reference for that? What if you don't know the love of a parent?

Any introduction to God’s love more often than not begins with asking us to reflect on the love we received from a parent. We are told to look to our parents as an example of how God will love us, protect us, and care for us.

But that is not how everyone sees their parents. That is not a guaranteed example of God’s love.


When I think about loving a child, I can’t help but think of our little girl. A kid that is not so little anymore, but is as precious to us today as the day we first met.

We didn’t have the same journey into parenthood that most have, but none the less we love the child given to us more than anything in the world.

But Father’s Day this year caused me to think about the unconditional love of God. God’s unconditional love is given to us regardless of the current status of our relationship with Him.

God loves each and every one of us regardless of what we’ve done, our choices, our level of interaction, or indeed our love for Him. God wants to be in relationship with us


He wants to love us always forever, no matter what.

That’s what we want for our kid to know about our love. That our love for her will be always, forever and no matter what. We have always said that to her. Always tried to give that to her. We wanted to help her know that our love is always there and is unconditional.

But what I’ve realised is grasping the concept of unconditional love is very difficult.

You see, the human model of unconditional love is flawed. Simply because we are flawed; we are not, and never will be perfect. And therefore, we cannot love perfectly.

We cannot love others the way God loves us; it’s not possible. But while we cannot do it perfectly, we can do it intentionally.

Unconditional is the very definition of always, forever, no matter what. But as humans, we have difficulty with each of those parts.

It’s hard to show we love someone always and in every situation. Forever is hard when we often struggle to know what is ahead of us. And the no matter what, well, there are days when I’m not sure I honestly know how to move past the “I don’t like you very much right now” back to the “I love you no matter what.”

None of this is an indication of our failing to try to love unconditionally. It is merely an example of our human nature at work.

We cannot help adding expectations to go along with our love. We cannot help wanting something from someone to whom we give this love. It seems like that is the natural thing to do.

And I would be remiss if I suggested God did not have expectations. I know God wants more from me and our relationship. I know He can be disappointed in my choices and decisions. But I know regardless, He loves me unconditionally even when I fight with Him.

Unconditional love is often reflected in how we fight with those we love. There is a difference in how I fight with God, I argue with Him about what I want and what I need.

When I fight with God, when I am angry with God, when I blame Him for everything that is not as I want it, He stays. HE NEVER WALKS AWAY.

Yes, I have cried out to God, ‘If you loved me, why would you have let this happen to me.’ And while He didn't necessarily change what had happened He stayed with me while I came to understand it.

But through every single part of my life, in every situation, good, bad, or otherwise, I know God has been there. I know God has loved me. I know God has wanted me to be His.

Is it hindsight that has helped me to know the certainty of God’s love for me? Is it that I stick with God more than I stick with humans, and that’s how I know He loves me? Or is it that my experience with God has been constant and consistent, making me feel secure in His love. Because even in my darkest moment, I have truly known the light of God's love has been there with me.

I have never known that love in my life with another human.

That is not to say another human has not loved me unconditionally. I know others love me. But as humans, we cannot help but let each other down at times.

I want my kid to know she is loved unconditionally. But I know my actions and my words do not always give her security in that fact. I can know I will be here for her whatever happens, but I cannot make her know that for a fact.

It’s funny as I sit here and write this, I think about my kid reading it, and I wonder if she would have read this far. She doesn’t like reading. She particularly does not enjoy reading my thoughts. She doesn’t like to wade through my thoughts to get to my point. Sometimes when writing is your thing, it’s hard to communicate with someone else effectively. I want to use my words, and I have lots of words, and some don’t want to read them.


I guess God must have a sense of those He loves not wanting to read His word.

He gave us His thoughts, feelings, wants, and needs in a neat package of 66 books in the Bible. But so many of us struggle to read them all. We struggle to read to the end. And funnily enough, it is at the end where we see a full vision of our future and His love.

His love was clear at the beginning of the Bible, as God gives us his first gift, light. Light to see beauty, experience a new world, and feel love through what we see. Light out of darkness is a gift we perhaps all seek and definitely need.

And at the end of His word, there is a promise of more light, a promise that fulfils the unconditional nature of His love. The light of Jesus return.

The story God has written for us began with a light and ends with light. In the middle are accounts of times of joy and times of heartache and sadness. There is life and death, and times of action and times of the mundane. But each of those stories in-between helps us understand who our Father is and how He loves us. What He has for us and what He wants for us.

Love is a light that, when constant and consistent, shines upon those who are precious to us. We are precious to God, and His light is love and life. A light that was there in the beginning and will be there in the end.

Always, forever no matter what.

And maybe that is all my kid needs to know. That in the beginning and at the end, she is loved and is precious to me.

Is it that simple and complex all at once? Is that what unconditional love is all about?

In the beginning, and until the end, you are precious, and you are loved.

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