I want to write. I love to write. I love words.
I’ve always wanted to write. I’ve been writing in a diary since I was little. I’ve been writing stories since I was first set the task in primary school.
I love to read, I love stories, and I love words.
Words are so important to me. Words are the building blocks of communication. We can use words to build people up or to tear them down. I want to use my words to build others up.
I want to use my words to tell my story to build people up. To build women up. To connect with women who connect with my words and my stories.
But writing for an audience is really hard. What I struggle with every time I set out to write; is the fear of someone reading what I write.
It doesn’t really make much sense. It’s the opposite of what I want to achieve.
I write ultimately because I want to be read. I want to share my thoughts, and I want others to find value in my words and be affected by them. But I’m afraid at the same time.
So, where does my fear come from?
I have a story. In fact, I have lots of stories. The fact that I am writing a blog suggests I think my stories are worth sharing. But while there is a part of me that believes I have something worthwhile to say, there is a bigger part that tells me I should stay quiet.
Every time I go to write, nagging doubt fills my head, and I am paralysed. I don’t want to risk putting myself out there and having someone judge me.
But that’s what I am doing. That’s what this style of writing is all about.
It’s about making myself vulnerable.
I share my story for the specific purpose of trying to encourage you in what is happening in your life by sharing what is happening in mine.
There are two parts to my hesitation, and it’s all tied up in vulnerability. When you are vulnerable, you open yourself up to a feeling of shame and fear. They both come from the same place.
But who am I most afraid of?
I am afraid of my reader. I am so scared of what those who read my writing will think. But who am I afraid of the most.
I am most afraid to share my story with people I know.
This week, I spoke to a very close friend of mine, who herself is a published author, and we were discussing our current inability to write.
We can spend hours talking about an array of topics, from psychology and neuroscience to our hopes and goals, life and faith. However, when it comes to writing down our thoughts, we both suffer from the same fear.
We are afraid of what others will think. We are worried that the people we know will judge us.
This is not to say we are living a secret life and hiding it from our friends. But I do present different parts of myself to the different people in the different environments in which I engage.
What if I share something here that doesn’t fit with what someone already knows about me there. What will happen?
More importantly, why should that matter? Why does it matter to me?
So, in an effort to solve the problems of the world, as we are prone to do, my friend and I spent a good long time answering the question.
What will happen?
And the answer was pretty simple!
Absolutely nothing at all.
Oh, except that now someone will know something new about me.
AND THAT IS OK!
Vulnerable is okay. It is good, it is important, and it helps us to really connect.
In worrying about how others might judge what I say, I am judging others first. It’s a vicious cycle I get into, which is counterproductive to what I want to achieve.
If you don’t know me at all, when I share, it’s merely a story you either resonate with or not. And that’s precisely the same if you already know me.
But while my friend and I solved the puzzle, it was not quite enough to get me to post a new blog.
I needed something more, and the something more came in an unexpected invitation.
This week I was blessed to spend time with a friend who I don't catch up with very often. We are more likely to see each other when invited to other peoples events or activities.
Ultimately, we both had a sense of each other’s story but had never really sat down and talked about it. So, when she contacted me to catch up, I was both surprised and a little apprehensive.
We met up to talk about what we have in common. Surprisingly it's something I don’t have in common with any other person in my world. It's unique and very special.
We have both brought beautiful young girls into our lives when they were teenagers. We both have never given birth. We have never raised a child from a baby. We have both felt unsure of what we are doing. But we both knew, in every fibre of our being, what we were doing was what God wanted us to do.
We had both seemingly jumped in right in the middle of a child’s life and right in the middle of our own.
For a few hours on a Saturday afternoon, we shared our stories. The stories that shaped us into the women we are today. The stories that have and will shape the girls God put into our lives into the women they will be in the future.
It was a wonderful reminder that my story, while different from hers, was both an encouragement and an opportunity to reflect for both of us. There were so many fears and concerns we shared that were unique to our situation. And while I was there essentially to offer ‘advice,’ it was such a blessing to talk to someone who truly understood the challenges our unique situation held.
And there it was, the reason why we need to share our stories. The reason why I need to share my story. The reason I wanted to begin this blog in the first place.
There was no shame in my story for that person at that moment. My fear was unfounded because what I had to share was what she needed to hear. My story gave me the chance to affirm her, and equally, she affirmed me. It was such an incredible gift, and I am so grateful.
But I could have stayed in my fear. I could have let my shame hold me back from honestly revealing both my successes and my failures.
Without vulnerability, there is less chance of connection and less chance to bless and be blessed.
What I know to be true, and what my friend and I discussed on Saturday, was that these stories, these circumstances, this life, was the life God purposed us for.
We both know it was no accident that these children have come into our lives. We both know God has been with us every step of the way. So, when we allow our fear of being vulnerable to hold us back from sharing our stories, we might be holding back the blessing this story may be to the person we share it with.
So, I am making a new commitment to myself. I’m going to keep telling my story. I’m going to keep sharing even when I feel scared and vulnerable and at risk of being judged. I am going to share because I want to encourage and support women who my need to hear what I have to say.
Do you have a story to tell? Do you need to share it too?
Do you ever have that moment when you think that it might help if that person knew this or that about me?
Is there something in your head or heart that you think, wow, somebody might be feeling that too?
Have you ever been convicted of sharing something about yourself with someone you hardly even know?
Stop holding back, share your story.
We all have a story to tell, and our stories are worthy of sharing.
Can I encourage you today to share your story?
Start by writing it down and share it with yourself. Then share it with someone you trust. Then ask who might need to hear your story and share it with them.
Your story is valuable because you are valuable. When we share our story, we add value to another person’s life, and that is worth being vulnerable; that is worth the blessing it will be.
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