I want to write

I want to write!

I want to write more than anything I can think of.

I want to write a book that will be helpful, and useful, and maybe even entertain a little along the way.

Writing is really, really, really important to me.

So, what is stopping me?

What holds me back every day from sitting down and writing?

Why has it been over a month since I even wrote a blog here?

The answer is pretty simple really. I can give you lots of reasons, I can give you a lot of excuses, but the real answer, the truth is hidden just beyond the facade of excuses.

You see I do write. I am writing right now. I am writing now because I finally convinced myself in this moment, that what I am thinking might be useful to share. But even as I write those words, I am second-guessing the whole idea. I am thinking about other things I should or could be doing, productive and unproductive, instead of writing.

Real writers make time to write. They carve out a regular time each day to give to their craft and their passion. They commit to timelines, and deadlines, and block their days so nothing gets in the way of their writing. I don’t do that.

I would say I want to do that, but I simply don’t feel like I can. I don’t feel like it’s okay to spend time on something so seemingly frivolous. But even as I say that I am thinking about people who have hobbies or play sports that take up their time. They give time to these things without question. I don’t have hobbies or play sports, so I think my writing is that for me. And yet I still don’t feel I’m ‘allowed’ to give time to it.

Each day I must make sure I have done all the other ‘important’ things in my world before I write, or post, or create. Dull domestic chores that numb my brain, but I am responsible to do. Add to that my work and my worry, which all come first, and sometimes last, and that is where I give my time.

This is how it goes. Day in day out. I want to write, but my head gets in the way.

What honestly gets in the way, what is truly stopping me, is pretty basic. I don’t think that what I want to do is important and valuable, because I don’t believe I am important and valuable. It just seems it's not as important as the other things I have to do, or the important things others do.

I want to be an expert on a topic that will fill a book. I want to share that expertise with others. I have two books on the go which I started over a year ago. One which looks at what we think the bible says because we have heard particular phrases and doctrine so much, we believe it is true, but it’s not. And one about emotional literacy and how it will help us manage ourselves and our relationships. Both topics I am passionate about sharing. Both topics

I realise I am not an expert, but I have done a lot of research, and reading, and listening to experts, so I want to share what I’ve learned. And yet, even though each book has about 20,000 words, they are really not getting anywhere.

What I realise now as I write this, is the one topic I am an expert in, is self-criticism. And that is the true reason I do not write. It’s why I don’t commit to a book or even a regular blog like this.

What is particularly amusing about that is, that I am not the only expert in this area.

Raise your hand right now if the person you are most critical of is yourself!

It’s true, we are rarely our own cheerleaders. We rarely go to bat for ourselves and give ourselves permission to celebrate our own achievements and skills.

But the irony is that I think it is so important that we all know our value. I think it is crucial that YOU know why you are valuable and important. I don’t want you to doubt or criticise yourself. I want you to know you are amazing.

I truly believe my purpose is to help people understand their value and worth. I particularly want to see this happen in children and women. Having said that I find myself encouraging men just as much to know what they bring to the world.

All the work I do, whether in a secular setting or in a Christian setting, it all ends with me helping people to know why they are valuable helping people to see what makes them valuable and unique.

And here I sit, bathed in hypocrisy because I cannot do it for myself.

I have a beautiful friend who is currently in the final phases of writing her first book, and it is going to be amazing. Just today I read the first chapter, and oh my goodness I am so proud of her. I have been blessed to be with her through the journey not just of her life as she got to this point, but as she has been through the process of writing, and rewriting, and getting feedback, and rewriting.

Through each and every moment I have done my best to encourage and support her. I have celebrated the wins, and commiserated the losses, while never ceasing to remind her of her courage, and determination, and general amazingness.

Because I know that whether she reaches her goal or not, what can never be taken away from her is who she is. She is strong, and brave, caring and supportive, generous and giving, and most importantly for me, she is my friend.

And here I sit, knowing that if she was sitting in front of me right now, she would be able to give me her own list of encouragement and support for me.

Yet, as intelligent, brilliant, and encouraging as we are, we don’t believe our own press! I trust her and she trusts me, but we regularly do not believe each other when it comes to genuine praise. Our own criticism wins out far too often.

Why is that? Why are we so good at putting ourselves down, and telling ourselves we are not good enough for this.

I tell kids every day not to say, ‘I can't', but instead to say, ‘I can’t yet’. But I know the truth is ‘I can’t’ is easier, and sometimes a little safer. It’s the old adage, I can’t fail if I don’t try.

So here I sit, writing, but not writing.

Processing as I write all the reasons why what I’ve written is not worth the read, yet on some level, I have just enough arrogance to write anyway and take it all the way to making it into a post.

But even in that thought, I tell myself a blog is safe because only the people that know me are reading it. I am not really exposing myself or putting myself out there to be critiqued or harshly assessed.

You might by this point be asking me, as a woman of faith, where is God in all of this self-doubt and criticism. Well, my friends as cliché as it might sound, I believe He is right here with me. I really believe He is the reason I push on beyond the doubt and the fear. I think He is frustrated with me beyond belief, because He has given me this passion for His people, and He has also given me the skills to do the job. But He patiently waits with me while I try to sort it out for myself. Oh and then come back to Him, and let Him show me the way.

I want to write.

I want to write with purpose and with passion about the things that are important to me. I want to write to help people understand better something they didn’t know they didn’t understand. I want people to have a revelation of new thinking or learning about who they are and what they can achieve.

So here I sit, in my hypocrisy and indecision writing about writing. And maybe slowly but surely, I will start to believe enough to put all the doubt aside and just get on with the work at hand. And maybe you can pray with me and help me to believe what others and God already know.